Musicians jokes (good for your health) nr 2

Here's more:

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano's attitude.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.

Risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

Vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

A soprano and an alto fall off a cliff. Which one will reach the bottom first?
The alto. The soprano will stop half way to ask for directions.

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a torch in her ear

Why are the intervals in concerts only twenty-minutes long?
So the cellists don't have to be retrained

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

What's the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
Prostitutes have a useful purpose

Hope you liked it :p