How to Cook a Conductor

Ingredients

• One large conductor, or two small assistant conductors
• Ketchup
• 26 large cloves of garlic
• Lard
• 1 cask of cheap wine
• 1 pound of bean sprouts
• (honey)
• 2 pounds of yuppie food such as tofu or yoghurt
• 1 abused orchestra

Method

1. Catch a conductor. Remove tails and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce.
2. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principle Second Violin) and articulations, and discard.
3. Remove hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another.
4. Clean conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If it's a good quality conductor such as from a major symphony orchestra you may wish to make it more tender by pounding the conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the conductor between two large cymbals.
5. Pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the conductor in wine for at least 12 hours.
6. When the conductor is sufficiently marinated remove any clothes the conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic.
7. Cover your conductor with the lard using vague slow circulating motions. Take care to ensure that every inch is covered.
8. Take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings (Bruckner might be appropriate)
9. Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can, and that the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your conductor, if not, insist on taking every repeat and to be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of scores and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
10. When the flames have dies down to a medium inferno, place your conductor on top of the orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural colour, and all of the fat has dripped out.
11. Be careful not to overcook or your conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham.
12. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts, and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender, and pureeing until smooth.
13. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste.
14. Slice your conductor as you would with any turkey.
15. Serve accompanied by the yuppie food, and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

Warning

Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacturer and extraordinarily high concentrations of E. coli, cryptosporidium and other hazardous organisms associated with animal waste, the Department for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommends that consumption of conductors be limited to one per season.

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