25 September 2017

The little lost girl

I have reached my 29th year on this planet and I keep telling myself that it is time to grow up - but I "fail" over and over again. I am not saying that staying young at mind is a bad thing - but one thing I still fear in this chaos of delayed childhood: the moment when I start to fear myself and I am left in the corner feeling like a frightened, little girl.
And this weekend it happened again - a weekend I had looked forward to for weeks, yes months. It was supposed to be a weekend filled with the things I love the most - a chance to live my life freely with wonderful,  accepting friends all around. One weekend without the mask I wear daily - a weekend of fun, kink and awesomeness. But things never turned out the way I hoped it would - and all I can do is to blame myself, my foolish fear - and the little, frightened girl hidden within my frail being.
All I wanted was to be strong and free - and when I finally let my guard down ⬇ was rewarded with all the beauty of the entire universe. And I broke - I shattered like a piece of glass smashed with a baseball bat. The utter loss of control frightened me more than I can explain - and after a sensual explosion,  I imploded and turned into a black hole filled to the brim of numbness and fear. My darling was there for me - but what I truly needed was to be surrounded. I needed more than he could give, and I was ashamed of feeling so. I wanted to show my vulnerability to everyone - but the little girl within stopped me, choked me, made me sob and cry. I was ashamed of how weak I looked, all I wanted was to disappear and never to feel again. Or maybe go too far to even feel at all...

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