Thank you

To my abuser

This is a letter I should have written a long time ago.  A letter to tell you how I feel, to tell you how I walk on through the storm of my own life, despite of you.  Because my life goes on, second by second. Some seconds are painful and tears up the wounds you inflicted on my soul, but others are filled with joy and strength. Strength to move on, to take control over my life.  I’m not yours to have.  I’m my own, not a thing to be used at will, but a soul with an amazing capacity to grow.

You came into my life at one of those weak seconds when all I wanted was to be understood, to be seen. And you saw, gained my trust and destroyed it in one foul move. I couldn’t feel the pain then, but the hole in my soul and mind grew steadily until I broke 9 years later. I kept it within, carried a heavy burden no child should bear alone. But I did.

9 years later the gaping hole to my own personal hell opened once more, and dragged me down and away from life itself. Pulling me senselessly towards the edge, made me taste blood again. But I stopped before I fell…or so it felt. I despised myself, hated the fact that I was a human being capable of feeling love and lust…I just wanted to kill the feelings within, distract me from the cruel reality. I beat myself, physically and mentally, and all it did was to make me feel it even stronger. I buried it and myself in two different graves, and tried to forget

To no avail….

Your ghost is trying to spook me again, trying to make me less of a woman that I am, trying to take my humanity from me…but you will not succeed. Yes, it is painful and the thoughts make me cry and prevent me from sleeping dreamless dreams. But NO! I won’t give in…NEVER!

A smile in a sad time

The autumn is here again, with rain, wind and colds that don't want to let go. On top of all this: my mind feels crushed. No inspiration, no energy, just memories I thought were dead that are being dug up again...and again.
So when I'm all alone in the dark and the demons are crawling in, I have to fight. I fight in any way that I can, and I cling to anything that can put a smile on my face.
Today it was this song:'






And yes; it's a One Direction-song...I'm too old for this right?
But to speak the truth: this melody hits just the right notes for me (pun intended), it makes me put all my dark clouds for a while and just enjoy life for a moment

And to sooth my mind after such a happy moment I turn to the very same artist for this:




This melody can't really be described with words, so just listen

A new life in an old town

Change. To make new footprints inbetween an old life. And once more change has wandered into my life and turned it about.
So here I am; alone. Meaning single. It's a strange thing to be and experience after nearly two years safe within a relationship with a wonderful man. But all good things come to an end, and so did this.
Where will life take me next? 
Here are the facts I have to abide to for the next 12 months:

• I'm still a student and will this year be studying teaching theories and classmanagement in norwegian, history and social science. Which means I will have a lot to do (papers, practice in both secondary school and high school and studygroups)
• I'm the studentrepresentative for my class, the connection between them and the "ruling class of the university" :p
• I have my choirresponsibilities to attend to, and before Christmas we will have 2 concerts: John Rutters Requiem and Bach's Christmas Oratorio

So as you can see I will hopefully stay afloat for another year and maybe find joy and happiness in new venues of life.

 

A new (but healthy) addiction

Lately I've found myself a new addiction: bicycling
Hamar is full of wonderful tracks and trails to follow, and my goal is to have a 10 km-trip every day, and so far I've succeeded. This new addiction also comes with a huge healthbenefit, both physically and mentally. On my daily trips I can deal with all the thoughts that normally bring me down or drive me mad. It makes me happy and had one wonderful experience last friday when I was tackling a long heavy hill. The sun was shining, but the heavens opened and I got soaked. But my how happy it made me, I was smiling the whole way home.

Last week I got myself a cyclecomputer to attach to my bike to measure distance, speed and calories burned. And being able to do this, I can keep on challenging myself and so far I've travelled about 181 kilometers! Wonder how far I will get by the end of summer.
Keep up and I will tell you

A small update

It's mid-april and once more I haven't written a blogpost in ages. I have a few things to tell, and a few pictures to show. First of all: We've settled into our new home downtown Hamar, and instead of describing it with plenty of words, I will let the pictures speak for themselves:

The ballons are a leftover from my 25th birthday...

In the end of february we went away to Losby Manor for a romantic weekend. It was my christmas/birthdaygift to Mats, and what a place and what food...totally amazing
Hoping to go back one day

Organs everywhere...

Stuffed animals too---Mats fits right in

Charming

Reindeer....yummy

We wandered straight into a wedding while we were there, which was nice
And then we have Easter...which included my whole noisy family. During this holiday we had a visit from the firebrigade because someone (not me) was playing with matches under a juniperbush....and had to have eyes in our neck all the time when the kids were awake.
Now it's only one month until my final exams and I'm looking for a job...So I've got plenty to do^^
And finally: going back to Ireland in July with Mats :D

YES!

What a day!
And what an end to it...moving into a new place next week 
Away from cold floors, damp rooms and mold
All we have to do now is to pack our lives into boxes

Good things come to those who dare to do something

Thoughts between depression and mania

Long time has passed since my last blogpost, yes we have even entered into a new year.
And since last time things have happened...for both good and bad.

Christmas was a true trial, and with being two places it was extra stressful to be sick. Not just a little cold with a runny nose. No, this time it was something really bad and painful, and in between gifts, family and travelling it felt like I was going to cough up my own lungs. My head was filled to the brim with something like cotton, and on top of it all: a proper fever.
But I survived. But I fear that something still isn't right after getting some sort of chestpain just a few weeks ago, and you might understand that one starts to worry especially since it was on the left side of my chest. Went to the doctor, but of course they couldn't find anything...and trust me: I was not imagining the pains.

Christmas also contained two similar surprises: Both my sisters got engaged

And in my opinion: they made their decision too quick (but of course they don't listen to me)
So now it's only me and my brother that are the "normal"...;)

With a new year on the steps, (well...far into the livingroom already) a new semester of languagestudies and new challenges concerning verbs and nouns...this time in oldnorse. So literally drowning in textbooks about languagehistory, strange Norwegian dialect and how Icelandic works.

But studying is more than books and lectures. It's so stressful! And this year sadly started out with a nosedive into the darker corners of my mind and plenty of nightly activities I cannot explain nor understand.
Like sitting up in bed and start to talk about soup that is supposed to be in my hands (?!), and being "awake" while doing it...can freak out anyone by doing this, and it's my boyfriend that really gets to feel these...

So as you understand my healthcondition hasn't been the best lately...and it doesn't help to live in a place with extremely cold floors, bad ventilation, bad heatisolation...and...MOLD
And this is the reason why we're looking for a new place to live, but the rentalmarked is like a war. We've delivered a letter to a recent landlord that we are moving, but here in Norway you have 3 months to get out in...and we need to find something now. So I hope we can get to some kind of arrangement with the landlord.

Mold.....

Last thing, on top of everything: I might not have ADHD after all...but something else. So the Ritalin I've been taking have done more damage than good to me. My sister thinks I have a personal disorder of some kind...wonder what the doctor says...a little bit mad maybe?
So it has been many dark days lately with no energy and lots of crying...but hopefully it will make me stronger

What do you think?

The day before the day

Once again I've been too busy to write anything wise (nor funny) here. But today, the evening before Christmas Eve, I want to share some of my recent thoughts and lifeexperience.
After a semester filled with sounds, words and new challenges, it was once again time for my exams. Literature went better than expected with some strange analysis of "The Icecastle" by Tarjei Vesaas and a few pages of pure nonsense. This I got a B for.
The other one with morphology, sentencestructure and phonetics went amazingly well concerning the fact that I had struggled so much with it, not understanding a damn thing. Got me a D.

Next thing was the christmasconcert with Hamar Cathedral-choir. Singing both Bach and Vivaldi was a dream coming true for me, and tge concert ended with two traditional christmascarols and lots of praise from the alto soloist.  Æppppppæåææåæææp ææææææææææææææ
Æx             å          xxz

This year Christmas will be spent with my boyfriend's family, first time away from my own family. But will be visiting them on the 27th, my big, noisy family.
So new traditions are being made and the christmasspirit is right around the corner.

Wish you all a very merry Christmas

Sleepless nights

Here I lie, staring at the wall in front of me.
I'm sleepy and yet I'm not...analyzing every breath I take and try to ignore the itching pain in my left foot, the light snooring from my boyfriend and the thought that monday is just a few hours away. A monday filled with syntax, meetings and probably rain. Wish I could sleep...
My brain is on overdrive at the moment..like every thought passing through is equally important and therefor need my full attention...
For God's sake! It's 02:35 in the morning...wish I could switch myself off now and then. Just an empty night now and then. Please?