Who is blind?

Is love really blind,
or is it just me being robbed for eyesight?

Christmastime

Finally!
The Christmas-spirit have just arrived, though my room is quite messy and filled with stuff that I have to bring along when my family goes to Osterøy tomorrow. This means that all my notes is coming too, and my suitcase is too little... Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. So the only thing left to say is: Merry Christmas and (maybe) a happy new year.
Hope that the turkey will fit into the oven, because it is pretty huge (6,2 kg)....

The nightowl

I'm turning into a night owl!!
Can not sleep in the night, and therefor I'm quite reduced during the daytime. Not a very good habit to have when you're a student. But now I'm having vacation and can allow myself to be an owl. Standing in the rain 4:00 AM and singing opera. Do you think I'm crazy??
Maybe I am....
Let's find some mice and ask them if they believe that I'm crazy and therefor an owl...

Maestro??

An old musician was walking in a street when he saw a little shop with the sign: “Musical pets”. With great curiosity, he walked in and saw a beautiful parrot: big, elegant and with a green, yellow, red and blue plumage. He was really impressed and decided to buy it.

The dealer said: “Good choice! It’s $10,000”

“$10,000!? “— Replied the old man — “Why is it so expensive?”

“This beautiful parrot can sing all Mozart Arias by heart!”

“Really? Amazing but it’s really a bit too much for me “ when he said these words he noticed another parrot, a bit smaller than the other and less colored. “It must be cheaper,” he thought so he asked the price to the shop owner.

“Oh, That parrot costs $20,000”

“$20,000!“ - said, the customer shocked “Why?”

“Besides all Mozart, it can sing also all Wagner and Verdi Operas....

“Astonishing, but it’s really too much, listen that little, ugly, all black parrot there in the corner it MUST be cheaper, right, how much is it?

“Well, that is $100,000”

“What?! exclaimed the poor man, totally upset - "What can it do?"

"Oh, actually it can do nothing but all the others call him MAESTRO!"

How to Cook a Conductor

Ingredients

• One large conductor, or two small assistant conductors
• Ketchup
• 26 large cloves of garlic
• Lard
• 1 cask of cheap wine
• 1 pound of bean sprouts
• (honey)
• 2 pounds of yuppie food such as tofu or yoghurt
• 1 abused orchestra

Method

1. Catch a conductor. Remove tails and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce.
2. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principle Second Violin) and articulations, and discard.
3. Remove hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another.
4. Clean conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If it's a good quality conductor such as from a major symphony orchestra you may wish to make it more tender by pounding the conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the conductor between two large cymbals.
5. Pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the conductor in wine for at least 12 hours.
6. When the conductor is sufficiently marinated remove any clothes the conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic.
7. Cover your conductor with the lard using vague slow circulating motions. Take care to ensure that every inch is covered.
8. Take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings (Bruckner might be appropriate)
9. Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can, and that the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your conductor, if not, insist on taking every repeat and to be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of scores and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
10. When the flames have dies down to a medium inferno, place your conductor on top of the orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural colour, and all of the fat has dripped out.
11. Be careful not to overcook or your conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham.
12. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts, and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender, and pureeing until smooth.
13. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste.
14. Slice your conductor as you would with any turkey.
15. Serve accompanied by the yuppie food, and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

Warning

Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacturer and extraordinarily high concentrations of E. coli, cryptosporidium and other hazardous organisms associated with animal waste, the Department for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommends that consumption of conductors be limited to one per season.

---

Musicians jokes (good for your health) nr 2

Here's more:

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano's attitude.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.

Risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

Vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

A soprano and an alto fall off a cliff. Which one will reach the bottom first?
The alto. The soprano will stop half way to ask for directions.

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a torch in her ear

Why are the intervals in concerts only twenty-minutes long?
So the cellists don't have to be retrained

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

What's the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
Prostitutes have a useful purpose

Hope you liked it :p

Musicians jokes (good for your health) nr 1

The best kind of jokes is the one involving musicians, singers or conductors.
And we will always hear that "a good laugh prolongs the life"
So here you got some of the best musician- and conductor-jokes in the internet.
Hope you'll laugh!

Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Musikerens feil?

Er meget glad i musikervitser og her har eg funnet noe helt fantastisk
(Burde være mulig å finne i enhver konsertsal)

~BASS PLAYER OFFENSES~

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

WHY!!!!

Why can't I be normal, like kids I meet at school?
Why can't I sit still, when someone talks to me or others?
Am I a freak, or just misplaced on earth?
Why is there no answer to the long forgotten prayers,
that begged for help and understanding?
My head keeps babbling, even in my sleep,
like a radio with no chance to turn it off.
The heart aches, and screaming to me: Deceiver!
Trapped inside a body I does not know,
always on the edge of a breakdown,
swift, turns at every second, every sound.
Believe the words, spoken in the air.
Why me?

Stormpiken

Her tusler eg rundt i en tilstand mellom våken og sovende, nettopp vært på tur i stormen. Meget forfriskende, følte eg måtte komme meg ut, holdt på å sprenges.
Eg vil også være NORMAL!!!! Joda, skal ærlig innrømme at det har sine fordeler å skille seg ut fra megden, men eg er forskjellig på alle vis. Hvorfor kan eg ikke være normal????
Hyperaktivitet og et sårbart hjerte er en meget dårlig kombinasjon. Kanskje er jeg redd for selve livet, isåfall er det skikkelig fissent. Lite søvn, mange inntrykk, en del fornedrelser og annen jævelskap, med et hint av frykt på toppen = meg i et nøtteskall.
Vet ikke lenger hva eg skal gjøre, hva eg skal tenke eller føle. Det er et forferdelig sammensurium som bare forpester mitt eget liv og eksistens.
Kommer nok til å stirre i veggen ikveld og